I want to be transparent; this post is going to discuss a topic that people are uncomfortable with. Sex. To really break it down- I’m a cute and chunky female who is chronically ill, a triple taboo when it comes to who usually does the talking about sex. I get it, it can make me uncomfortable too, and that’s exactly why I need to talk about it.

If you read my last post, you know that one of my concerns leaving my relationship with Piano was the potential (or lack there of) of finding a new partner who would want to be with someone who is chronically ill. In order to leave that relationship, I had to fully accept the idea that I might never find a new partner. When I was finally ready to begin the shitshow that online dating is, I struggled with how I was going to tell men I had RA. Part of me felt very protective over it and thought I shouldn’t have to tell anyone. I know I have a public blog with my real name and picture on it where I’ve been writing all about my life, but the idea of talking openly about my RA is honestly really new for me. Only one person at my current job even knows I have it- that is the proud, self-preservation side of me. The other side of me wanted to just rip the bandaid off and put it front and center on my profile, “Little known fact about me- Rheumatoid Arthritis”, no further information given. Take it or leave it. In reality, I ended up doing an awkward combination of both.

I wasn’t ready to start dating right away, but I did want to hookup with someone- dip my toes back in the water and prove to myself that I could. I figured the safest bet would be to pick someone I already knew, because they would know I had RA so I didn’t think anything would need to be said. I was wrong- he ended up asking me in front of our mutual friends if people with RA could give handjobs. When I tell this story, many people have been offended on my behalf, but I actually thought it was hilarious and an honest question. While clearly for selfish reasons, at least he had thought about what the limitations for someone with my condition might be. I think a better question might have been, do people with RA want to give handjobs? Does anyone want to give handjobs?

The truthful answer to his question is- it depends, and I can only speak for myself, my body, and my experiences. For me, any type of sexual activity is going to depend 25% on the current day, and 75% on the next day. If I am having a huge flare, I can’t have sex. Not only do I not want to, I can’t physically make my body move the way it needs to be enjoyable for any involved party. As far as not wanting to, I’m not interested in sex when I am in pain, but during flares I also get pretty anxious and depressed, which doesn’t exactly put me in the mood. Thankfully, due to endorphins and luck, I don’t generally experience joint pain while I’m having sex, which I know isn’t the case for everyone. As far as the following day is concerned, being chronically ill means constantly thinking ten steps ahead. What I do today might impact me tomorrow or for the next week. It isn’t smart for me to have sex the evening before a long work day or busy weekend, because I won’t have time to recover the way my body needs and not having time to recover leads to flares. While it might not be the sexiest, a little planning isn’t a big deal to me and if you want to have sex with me, it shouldn’t be a big deal to you either- I need to prioritize myself so that I can be a good partner and I would want my partner to do the same.

Long story short, after casually dating for a few months I decided I was ready to try online dating. While I didn’t out my RA in the tagline, I was surprised to see a man on Hinge who listed, “Believe it or not, I don’t have RA”. I inquired about it, but I’m sad to report that he never got back to me. If you’re out there Hinge man, I’d still like to know why people mistakenly think you have RA. Anyway, I matched with a guy that I really hit it off with and we decided to go on a date. We were discussing the pandemic and vaccines after a few drinks, and I just fully went for it and word vomited that I already had both my vaccines because I was immunocompromised. I wouldn’t say I was proud of myself for the execution, but at least I did it. His response was unexpected and along the lines of, “I have major depression and the last girl I dated left me for another guy because of it”. I didn’t really want to play the who has it worse game, but at least I wasn’t the only one carrying some baggage. That ended up turning into an unexpected one night stand, more to do with his baggage than mine. I decided I liked the alcohol induced confession method and stuck with that for a while, though I worked on trying to make it past the first date.

When I matched with Cranberry, I texted my friend that I was worried he was too athletic for me, given my RA. She wrote back that she was confident I could do everything but give handjobs, and that no one liked handjobs anyway. That was just the kind of encouragement I needed, and I made it until the second date before mentioning I was immunocompromised, after a bit of champagne courage. That didn’t appear to scare him off and about six weeks later I told him I had RA and what that meant for me and my health. Truthfully it was probably because he mentioned wanting to hike or some shit that I found incredibly unappealing at the time, but either way he was totally fine with it.

I didn’t tell people I was interested in dating that I had RA because I want attention or want them to feel sorry for me. I told them because I was worried about whether they would be interested in dating someone who is sick. On Reddit, I frequently see people with chronic conditions asking about how to date or their struggles with dating. It made me so sad to think that we see our disease as something that makes us unworthy of romantic love. If you know me personally, then you know Cranberry is a nurse. It is easy for me to think that I’m lucky because I found someone who has knowledge of the healthcare system and that’s why he is okay dating a sick person. But that’s bullshit, anyone can get sick at anytime or have a situation that dramatically changes their circumstances. Yes, I need extra help with some things in our relationship because of my RA, but this week alone Cranberry has left the fridge open all night and a burner on unattended for more than two hours. Bottom line- we all have shortcomings, and I refuse to think someone is doing me a favor by dating me when I have RA. I’m lucky to have him because he’s a good person, not because I found someone that would “tolerate” my illness.